Can you finish the following saying “sticks and stones may break my bones but …?”

How ridiculous!  Words will never hurt me!

Lets see what the Bible says about this.

Bible Reading – James 3:4-8
A bit in the mouth of a horse controls the whole horse.  A small rudder on a huge ship in the hands of a skilled captain sets a course in the strongest of winds.  A word out of your mouth may seem of no account, but it can accomplish nearly anything – or destroy it!
It only takes a spark, remember, to set off a forest fire.  A careless or wrongly placed word out of your mouth can do that.  By our speech we can ruin the world, turn harmony to chaos, throw mud on a reputation, send the whole world up in smoke and go up in smoke with it, smoke right from the pit of hell.
This is scary you can tame a tiger but you can’t tame a tongue – it’s never been done.  The tongue runs wild, a wanton killer.

Our words are vital they can literally tear us apart or keep us together.  Words of encouragement are crucial. We need to be careful though as our encouragement can sometimes put pressure on people unintentionally.  Let’s take a look at some encouraging words and see which might put pressure on someone.

Main Differences between Praise and Encouragement
One of the main differences between praise and encouragement is that praise often comes paired with a judgment or evaluation, such as “best” or “highest” in these examples.

Marshall Rosenberg
Marshall Rosenberg tells this story after he had been working with a group of teachers, telling them about the dangers of using praise and complements as rewards.  People are trained to use praise as a reward, as a manipulation to get people to do what they want. For example, in a family, we are taught that if you praise and compliment children daily, they are more likely to do what you want. Teachers do the same in school to get children to work more. 

Marshall had been trying to show them how to use encouragement instead.  First, he said that you should identify what the person did that enriched their life, not a generality, like “you’re so kind, beautiful, or wonderful” but what concretely did they do for you. Second, how do you feel inside about their action? And third, what need was fulfilled inside you by their contribution?

He says he couldn’t have done a very good job of explaining this because afterward, a woman came up and said, “You were brilliant.”

He replied, “That is no help. I have been called a lot of names in my life some positive and some far from positive and I could never recall learning anything of value from someone telling me what I am. I don’t think anybody does but I can see by the look in your eyes you want to express gratitude.  I want to receive it but telling me what I am doesn’t help.”

She then asked, What do you want to hear?”
So he then asked “What did I say in the workshop that made life more wonderful for you?”

She replied, “You are so intelligent.”
He said, “That doesn’t help.”

She thought for a moment and then opened her notebook and said, “Here are two things that you said that really made a difference.” So Marshall asked, “How do you feel?” And she said, “Hopeful and relieved.”

Marshall then asked, “It would help me if I knew what needs of yours were met.”
She said, “I have this 18 year old son and when we fight, it is horrible. It can go on for days. I have needed some concrete direction and these two things have made such a difference for me.”

Now those are encouraging words.  When we want to encourage someone we could try to use those three suggestions

Bible reading – Proverbs 15:23, 25:10 (The Message)
The Bible says that :

Everyone enjoys giving good advice, and how wonderful it is to be able to say the right thing at the right time!

Timely advice is as lovely as gold apples in a silver basket.

Acceptance
And yet many of us carry around the hurt or pain caused by other people’s words.  We do not have a silver basket in our life that contains golden apples.

A good friend of mine who is a church minister shared that over the years she has stored and kept the cards and notes of appreciation that she has received.  And there have been times when she has needed to go back to that box to re-read them because of the criticism and lack of acceptance that she has experienced from people. When we do not encourage one another we are judging each other and failing to accept each other as we are. When you have not been encouraged you will feel judged and unacceptable. The challenge this evening is that our lives and words need to be an encouragement to each other, which means within our own smaller family units, within our Bridge family and within our wider community.

Developing an attitude of encouragement will only come with practice and it will only come when we are willing to be let go of the pain and hurt that others may have caused us. God totally accepts and wants to encourage us and as we begin to know that deep down we can begin to offer the same encouragement to others.  God loves to catch us doing something right, he loves to encourage us and cheer us on.  He accepts us now even whilst he knows our full future potential.

There is a silver bowl here with words that can become golden apples for you.  If you would like a word of encouragement from God then please come and take one.